How to Survive Turning 40 - tips to deal with emotions and bad advice

I’ll be honest, the fact that I’ll be 40 in 2 days has brought on a barrage of crazy emotions for me. And to be even more honest, the biggest emotion is judgement of myself and of where my life is right now compared to where I thought it would be OR should be. It doesn’t help that the vast majority of advise I found online tells me stupid shit like

“don’t wear sparkly eyeshadow after 40”
“start drinking good quality scotch,” and
“don’t wear leggings”

WHAAT?? Why is that even important? How is that supposed to help me survive turning 40? But have you ever done that to yourself? You have this idea in your mind that you should have a certain lifestyle, career, finances, relationships, etc? And you judge yourself by this yardstick you’ve made for yourself that’s completely arbitrary or influenced by your past or what others think? Now, I’ve had well meaning people in my life already tell me to

“Get over it because it’s just a number,”
“I’m actually already in my 41st year because I was in my 40th year as soon as I turned 39,”
“Stop judging myself”
“Just focus on what I want to do from now on and don’t worry about the past,”
“40? That’s nothing! Wait till it’s a 50 or 60!”

And all kinds of other advice that, although well meaning, wasn’t helping me. Why? Because my emotions wouldn’t just go away and I know better than to just resist them or stuff them down, pretending they don’t exist. I did that for the last 2 decades+ and it certainly did more harm than good. So, what am I going to do? What I would tell any of my clients to do first – acknowledge what I’m feeling and observe it rather than judge it, try to release it right away or try to forget it as soon as possible, or worse, pretend that these emotions mean nothing. The truth is, you are not our emotions, they are chemical experiences you have in response to what’s going on in your life and what you think and believe about. By observing them as you feel them you can step back and take a more objective look at what’s behind a given emotion. That’s what allowed me to figure out that I was judging myself. I am not just freaking out because the calendar will now officially say I’m 40. beneath the freak out I am comparing myself to a version of myself that I think I should be and this is a habit that I’ve had for a long time, it didn’t just begin because I have a birthday coming up. Comparisonitis is a plague for a lot of women and men, too. And it’s exacerbated when life circumstances throw it in your face – like when you have a big birthday. The other thing that exacerbates comparisonitis is what you choose to focus on. And to be honest again, I have a habit of notoriously focusing on what I don’t have, what I don’t want, what I think I don’t know and other shoulds. This birthday has shown me how much this habit is still a part of me even though I have been consciously practicing putting my focus on the opposites. So, I’ve been acknowledging my emotions without trying to change them – what am I going to do next? Accept the truth – meaning that I don’t like feeling this way, I don’t like the fact that I’m judging myself and comparing myself based on some arbitrary yardstick I’ve set for myself, and whatever else comes up. You see, true acceptance isn’t pretending to accept and pretending that everything is ok. It’s telling yourself the truth about whatever you’re feeling, no matter what that is. True acceptance means you’re your own soft place to fall and you choose to love yourself more instead of judging yourself. This birthday has brought me the prefect opportunity to self reflect and make choices about how I want to see myself and love myself instead. It’s brought me the perfect opportunity to practice a new habit of true self acceptance and self love – no matter how long it takes. I’m also going to ask for help with clearing the emotional and mental static that has surfaced. It’s so much easier to get to the roots of whatever limitations and old stories we have when we work with someone who can hold a neutral and loving space for us to look inside ourselves. And when that’s cleared out of our emotional and energetic field it’s easier to make different choices – like choosing to practice gratitude, self love, wholeness and enoughness. And lastly, I’m going to focus on what I want and have patience with myself – some of these habits I’m breaking are 20+ years old and have deep roots in my unconscious – just like yours have deep roots in your unconscious mind. I am choosing to take one step at a time and celebrate my awareness, willingness and courage. Here are my tips on how to survive turning 40 (or any other tumultuous circumstance you’re facing).

Observe what you’re feeling and name the emotions.
Ask yourself what’s beneath them and tell yourself the truth.
Acknowledge what you’re feeling, thinking, believing, etc without trying to minimize it, pretend it’s ok, or resist feeling it.
Ask for help to clear all old beliefs, old stories, generational patterns and other crap tied to your past.
Choose to practice focusing your energy on what you want instead and be very clear with yourself about how you will treat yourself and what you want your life, work, relationships, health, etc to look and feel like.
Choose to take steps towards what you want no matter how small they seem.

There is nothing you and I can do about the passage of time. This birthday will happen in 2 days whether I’m ready or not – but what I LOVE is that I get to choose how to proceed mentally, emotionally and physically so that I create what I want in my life. The awarenesses and learnings that this birthday has already brought me are amazing! And I’m so grateful for that! Thank goodness for personal development and being able to make choices – that’s such a gift of being human! Good luck turning 40 and let me know what helped you survive (and thrive) the most.

Kasia Rachfall is a Quantum Numerologist, Akashic Records Teacher, Energy Kinesiologist, and mentor for spiritually focused creatives and entrepreneurs who are ready to receive Sacred Fame (Be fully seen & heard) for their work in the world. For Kasia’s free resources click here.

Tagged Expectations, thriving after 40, truth telling, turning 40, vulnerability, women over 40